Cal's review of
Superman Returns (2006)

Sups = Superman I give it a D. I know everyone else gave it an F. I liked the first 5 minutes alot. Watching Krypton explode and wondering if it was just happening or a flashback. (Years ago DC comics had a cool storyline where gravity pulled much of Krypton back together after it exploded. Which enabled Sups to visit his home planet) But not long after Sups returned to Earth, the movie went horribly wrong. Cal's complaints: 1. Fortress of Solitude is not much of a fortress. It could use some doors; people can walk right in and steal the technology of "the 28 known galaxies." Some might remember the cornball 1950's Sups that used a gigantic 100-ton key to lock the door of the Fortress. The key sat outside the Fortress but since only Sups could lift it, the door stayed locked. I was surprised there weren't any penguins nesting in the movie's Fortress. This was like Jurassic Park 2. The heroes' laziness and stupidity get people killed. 2. Sups is too powerful. He made it around on a kryptonite island. He was stabbed with a kryptonite dagger and lived. I liked seeing him struggle with Shuttle and Jumbojet, but then he throws an entire island into space with kryptonite shard still in his back, no less. Even his cape is too strong. It sometimes gets shreaded in the comics. 3. Lex Luthor gets away. Not dead, not jailed. So he will probably be like Magneto of the X-Men movies and be in all the following Sups movies. And Luthor should not need some wealthy old woman to steal money from. He should have his empire built on his mischievious dealings. 4. Story line of the week. If you are a TV fan of Sups (Lois & Clark and Smallville) then you are becoming accustomed to what we comic book fans learned to live with: get used to inconsistency. Every writer, comicbook writer or screen writer, loves to re-write history. 5. Sups fighten natural disasters is boring. There had better be super villains in the next movie. If there is one. 6. Racism ala George Lucas. The director and producer of Sups Returns must be jewish. I did not see a single black, hispanic, or asian actor/actress. 7. Most unrealistic event. I know the movie its surreal, and not real. But the Pulitzer is very prestigious. Those articles that win are about hard-hitting topics. A Lois Lane article about Sups could maybe, and I emphasize "maybe", get nominated for a Peabody award. 8. Second most unrealistic item. All spacecraft from Krypton lack any form of landing gear. 9. The little things. Too much fist-in-front flying. Sups uses an open-flat-hand flying in the comics. Oughta ditch the shiney gold belt and red underwear. Go to an all blue body suit would be more modern. What? No phonebooth quick change? 10. Sups is sleazy. He ditched his gf without saying goodbye. He had a child out of wedlock. He tried to seduce a woman that is engaged and has a nice family. He uses his super powers to do that seduction. Who knows, maybe he was careful and used a condom. But he should know that if his spit can go thru a brick wall, then his "boys" (sperm) can bunch thru 10 microns of latex rubber. In the movie Clark Kent is drowning his sorrows in a bar. Matching this sleaze was Martha Kent with too much lipstick on outside the hospital. Kudos (few): 1. I like the pic of Jonathan Kent on the mantle who was of Jonathan Kent from the 1978 movie. 2. Aquaman on the kid's pajamas. 3. Perry White's "great Caesars ghost" line. He is the old, crotchedy editor of the Daily Planet and used to piss and moan about everything. 4. Sups holding up the car, ala Action Comics #1. 5. Boots not too red. You don't want flashy red boots like Wonder Woman has. But Sups oughta have flat soles. Not the mountain-climbing-cleat soles. 6. I liked the Marvel-movie-to-DC-movie cross-over actor. Can you name him? The horror. Don't even think it. Christian Bale gets a sidekick and they make a Superboy and Robin movie.

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