|1990: THE TOP 12 THINGS I WOULD CHANGE IF I WERE SANTA CLAUS.|
12. Sue all the department store Santas for fraud.
11. Give the list of nice kids to the Boogie Man.
10. Use a long, bitter strike to break the apart the elves' union.
9. Cut a big-money package deal with MGM Studios.
8. Write all the kids back and tell them that Santa is dying from AIDS.
7. Cut off Rudolph's nose, use it to make a nuclear bomb, and incinerate Epcot Center.
6. Change the ending in the story "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas."
5. Use reindeer dung to make methane gas and sell it to the eskimos.
4. Rub out the Easter Bunny.
3. Drop the red suit for plaid and polyester.
2. Make pornographic ice sculptures with Frosty the Snowman.
And the number on thing I would change if I were Santa Claus from the home office in Rayjavik, Iceland...
1. Club baby seals for fun and profit.
|1991: CAL'S TOP 12 THINGS TO DO ON THE HOLIDAYS.|
12. Watch "It's a Wonderful Life" and have agood cry.
11. Give all my empty beer cans to the Salvation Army.
10. Hang out at Pepperidge Farm outlet in shopping mall and repeatedly yelling out "Where's my beef log?"
9. Count my cash intake from Christmas cards and gifts (not always necessary).
8. Drive around in big truck with bald tires looking for those annoying carolers.
7. Spend those long, cold winter nights with loved ones (Barb, Susan, Lisa, Michelle, Nicki, Amy, etc.)
6. Make out my own X-Mas cards, send them out in April.
5. Pay bills with credit card, use cash for No.7 above.
4. Use sticks and coal from stockings to set fire to Toys-R-Us.
3. 24 hour porn-movie-a-thon.
2. Sue Christmas tree salesman for deer-tick bite.
And Cal's number one thing to do on the holidays from the home office in Billings, Montana ...
1. Day in, day out, I wear my mistletoe beltbuckle.
|1992: TOP 12 THINGS THAT CAL IS DOING NOW THAT HE'S BACK IN COLLEGE.|
12. Attending U of I sporting events (cock fights in dorm basement).
11. Channel surfing.
10. Reading classical texts of ancient history (Penthouse and Hustler mags pre-1982)
9. Call University President at his home, ask for "Buffy" the phone sex operator, hang up, repeat until put on academic probation.
8. Try to sniff out naive freshman girls.
7. Post-graduate internship at Burger King.
6. Creating massive, pornographic doodles in lecture seminar.
5. Lose scholarship money at the dog track.
4. Standing in cormer of various dance bars looking pitiful.
3. Studying manual for Super Mario Brothers.
2. Lying about G.P.A.
And the number one thing Cal is doing now that he's back in college from the home office in Memphis, Tennessee...
1. Sneaking into sorority houses posing as the Orkan Man.
|1993: TOP 12 THINGS CAL HAS DONE WITH HIS BACHELORS DEGREE FROM THE UNIV. OF IOWA|
12. Became just another disgruntled postal worker.
11. Sent degree to student loan company and told them we're even.
10. Channel surfing.
9. Been told he's over qualified for Wal-Mart.
8. Got rifle, barricaded himself into bell tower, and then realized he had no ammunition.
7. New pick-up line: "I is college educated."
6. Had bodyguard bash in knee of rival BA.
5. Sent degree to UI President and asked for a full refund.
4. Two words: runway model.
3. Holds up cardboard sign that says "I will get my MBA for food".
2. Origami. And the number one thing Cal has done with his bachelors degree from the U of I from the home office in Pensicola, Florida ...
1. Proudly places "BA" after his name on all speeding tickets.
|1994: TOP 12 REASONS I DID NOT GET INTO UI LAW SCHOOL.|
12. Told addmissions committee my greatest achievement was cheating through out college without getting caught.
11. Letter of recommendation from Richard Nixon didn't carry much clout.
10. One certain speeding ticket: going 45 mph in a school cafeteria.
9. Something about my ethics and morals; whatever those are.
8. Told the admissions committee my uncle was Judge Wapner.
7. My only leadership skill was being an instigator of a riot.
6. (tie) My paralegal degree was accidentally labelled "Paranormal degree".
6. (tie) My +A's in Comic Book History I & II did not figure into my GPA.
5. When asked if I would ever lie under oath, I answered "Again?"
4. Told admissions committee my idol was Ben Matlock.
3. "Angry White Male" not part of UI's affirmative action program.
2. Told the admissions committee that once I become a lawyer I will have to find a good informant like "Angel" from the Rockford Files.
And the number one reason I did not get into the UI law school from the home office in Bangor, Maine ...
1. When asked about O.J., I said I liked mine with vodka.
|1995: TOP 12 HYPOTHETICAL OLYMPIC EVENTS IN WHICH CAL WOULD SURELY
WIN THE GOLD MEDAL.|
12. Babe scoping.
11. Sychronized snoring.
10. Pommel horse nose pick.
9. 50-meter dog paddle.
8. Channel surfing.
7. Lawnmower marathon.
6. Computer game vegging.
5. Toe cracking.
4. Nuggie discus throw.
3. Sleeping on the job.
2. Free-style cartooning.
And the number one hypothetical olympic event that Cal would surely win the gold medal, from the home office in Ricerside, Iowa ...
1. Long piss.
|1996: TOP 12 THINGS I WOULD DO IF I WERE IN THE SHOES OF PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON.|
12. Drop 50-year old lawyer wife.
11. Replace fire-side chat with phone sex.
10. Appoint Hooters girl to Supreme Court.
9. Move White House offices to Playboy Mansion.
8. Get lap dance after every Baghdad bombing.
7. Install condom machine in Oval Office.
6. Put another notch in the bed post of the Lincoln bedroom, if you know what I mean.
5. Enlarge smut magazine collection of Library of Congress.
4. Set up take-a-number gadget outside office for interns.
3. Add "Who's your daddy?" to Presidential seal.
2. Nail Ginger Spice.
... And the number one thing I would do if I were Bill Clinton from the home office in Venice, Florida ...
1. Tell the truth and bring in the high fives.